The way I love
by eruditian
Summary: When it's late at night and Regina can't sleep, her thoughts often turn to how lucky she is. Swan Queen.


A/N: Erm, this is the first fic I've ever written. I might have agonized over it for a bit too long.. but eh.  
Hope it's not too terrible. Please review and help me improve!

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It's late at night, and you're sound asleep. Your soft blond hair is all over your pillow and, unsurprisingly, you're snoring not at all softly. You've thrown off the blankets, like usual, and your shirt is riding up, exposing your belly in the most plebian of manners, it's stunning how attractive you are to me even now. I find the snores soothing and not irritating in the least. Tonight, though, your snores aren't enough to lull me to sleep, and so I stare up at the ceiling contemplating all that's changed in my life ever since you came riding in, like a knight in shining leather, riding a horrifically ugly yellow metal horse.

Tomorrow, we'll wake up, get out of bed (probably after some really nice sex), eat breakfast with Henry, send him to school, and then leave for our respective jobs. Being a major is a busy job, and it keeps me busy until the end of the day, but sometimes I find the time to pay you a visit. Maybe I will stop by tomorrow. Later, when work is over, we'll have dinner, maybe talk a little bit, and then relax around the television. After whichever program you and Henry pick ends, we'll send Henry off to bed, maybe with a story (though not a fairytale, he's into Harry Potter nowadays, isn't he?). Then we'll go to bed too. It's remarkable how normal, how _boring_ our lives have become. No drama (well, okay, sometimes we argue about your cleanliness, or lack thereof, but is it too much to ask for you to actually pick up after yourself for once? Not that I don't enjoy taking care of you, because I do, but sometimes the messes you make are astounding), no danger, no dragon slaying.

Not that normal or boring is bad, it's good, amazing even. I certainly don't miss the danger. We're making it work somehow, and I'm grateful. You were trying to be sneaky, for whatever inane reason, but I'm quite aware of all that you've done to get me forgiveness from your parents. You haven't been entirely successful, but that's okay. I don't need their approval, all I need is the assurance that they will continue (or is it start, really?) being your parents and caring for you. I'm still not a member of the Snow White fan club (I'm not really a huge fan of her husband, either, but he's more tolerable than she is), but I think I can bear to stand in the same room as her without tackling her and attempting to eviscerate her, which is a lot more than could be said a few years ago. It's a small miracle that I've even gotten to this point, and I know it's because of you and Henry; somehow, when you have happiness, it's easier to let go of the past. So, our life is basically normal, and the situation with the horrible in-laws has been mostly defused. Considering my life thus far, right now would definitely be categorized as "life is perfect and amazing and filled with sunshine and rainbows."

There are some things though, there always are, with me. The thing is, I know that you love me. I can see it in your eyes, and I feel it whenever you touch me. As much as I revel in your love though, I always feel guilty when I see the love in your eyes. Not that the guilt is enough to keep me away from you, I'm much too selfish for that. The guilt is because I don't think I love you, not truly.

Yes, I appreciate everything about you. You are kind, beautiful, caring, compassionate, and I could probably go on, but you aren't really a fan of my sappiness, rare as it is. I have extreme affection towards you. Definitely more than anyone else alive, save Henry, but he's our son. Love, romantic love, however, is another thing. Frankly, I'm not sure I'm capable of romantic love anymore. (Henry is a different matter; I know that I love him fiercely, but that love is maternal.)

I still remember how I felt with Daniel, how amazing the feeling was, just to sit next to him. I remember my crazy joy at seeing him. He could make me dissolve into giggles just by smiling. Now that I'm thinking back on it, it almost seems as though my relationship with Daniel was puppy love, or maybe my emotions were fueled by my adolescence. The fact is, Daniel was my true love, I'm as sure of that now as I was then.

It's different with you. I'm always happy to see you, always happy to be with you, but something is missing. Or maybe nothing is missing, maybe it's not you, and maybe it's me. Maybe I'm different. Maybe this is just how I love now; maybe this is how I've changed as a result of my stint as the tyrannical despot of a magical kingdom. My love is a jealous, possessive love, because I've lost so much, and I can't lose anymore. I would go on to say that my love is dark, but I don't want to risk sounding like some sort of trashy romance novel. Anyways, I guess I won't be able to love you, not really in the way you deserve, but I hope whatever I do feel is enough. I hope that you never try to leave me, because, well, I'm not sure I would let you.

Speaking of which, another thing we haven't really talked about; my past as the Evil Queen. You haven't talked to me about how you feel about how bloodstained my hands are. I know you've forgiven me, because you could never otherwise live with me so peaceably, but I wonder how, and sometimes, I wonder why. I am glad you haven't brought it up though, because I'm not sure I could bear to lie to you about it. Even if the Evil Queen is in my past, I know that I'm still her. Killing people mercilessly, manipulating everyone for my own gains, screwing up everyone's happy endings, all of that. I could do it all again, I would do it again, happily, if anyone ever threatened you or Henry. I lost my happy ending once, and somehow, I managed to find another. I guess what I'm trying to say is this; if Daniel was my true love (which he was), then you're my serendipitous love, the one that came out of nowhere to rescue me from myself. Which is why I don't think I'll ever let you go, for all that you've done for me. I would do anything to keep you, really.

But this is all just morbid speculation. It's funny how morose my thoughts can get when I can't sleep. You're right here, and nothing could be better.


End file.
